Every clickbait web site and before them check out aisle magazine has a “Secrets” article. They are always for something difficult to attain or keep like a flat stomach. If it were easy, then there would be no point or value in an article about it. And sure there is no harm in finding a new secret, right?
When I read secrets for a healthy or good or long marriage articles, the impression I get is maybe it is for the best I am not in one as I could never live up to these standards.
- Communication is a popular item. Expressing my feelings to a person? Excruciatingly painful. I’d rather be stuck with a needle and hate them.
- Choose someone similar to me. What the fuck does this even mean? My core values today have shifted from what they were ten or even five years ago. And the big one, religion is especially bad because until I dropped participating, there were no local women who met that criteria.
- Touch each other. Aka make sweet, sweet oxytocin. I enjoy touching, but I am scared of initiating.
- Ignoring or letting go of what she does is easy. My problem is terror about every mistake I make piling up to the point I want to run because I cannot stand myself anymore.
Really, I think what annoys me is they all follow the formula that people who have had a long marriage means it has been healthy. That is just a plain anecdotal fallacy. Sure, these are intelligent people, but the fact they boil it down to one or a few things they think are the secret means they have no real idea and are just putting some random guess out there. For every secret, I am fairly confident there are people who do these things who marriage still fails.
Plus, even when the author deigns to use a poll, self-reported data is. THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. data one could use. People respond how they think is expected not how they truly behave in part. This is in part because memory glorifies the good and minimizes the bad. But also, because interviewers are people judging the responses which changes the results.