Sometimes I think if I just didn’t pour my heart out to you I wouldn’t be so attached and I wouldn’t be in the pain I am in now that you caused.

I don’t easily make Trust friends. I spend a long time interviewing them by dribbling things here and there to see how it feels with them. The way I engage in conversations probably feels like I am revealing more than I actually am. There are outer layers of things I am willing to reveal to almost anyone. If they handle those well, then I offer things layer by layer (sometimes skipping one here and there).

If they manage to get into the sympathy group, then I am happy with them. The Must friend is a tough nut to crack. I tend not to ask people for help. At times when they show signs of allowing into their inner circle, I dabble at reaching out to Trust friends to see if they are someone I would elevate to my own, but in generally I am more willing to overwhelm myself with burdens.

But, yeah, the hardest part of allowing someone into the Must or even Trust group is when it suddenly fails. Growing apart is fine. Like a frog in a slowly boiling pot, I fail to notice. When I do something (it is never them, always me) that destroys the trust, I run away to hide from everyone in order to sulk, lament, and self-flagellate.

Also, I am terrible at reading people. I have no idea what I am getting into, so I am careful about keeping people at a distance I can handle. If I think someone likes me, then I am probably wrong. If I think they dislike me, then they probably like me OK. I have no confidence in my ability to read people.

Plus, I am a terrible friend. I really do not want to go to parties, out drinking, or do anything other than hang out at home. For me even to go shows how much I respect you. Though, I would easily and gladly go for a walk and talk about whatever.



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