Jinxed

I tend to sit on newsworthy things. Like, I know people who post photos when they buy a house. Me? I updated the people to which I had discussed it. But, in general it was a topic I avoided making a topic. And, I became annoyed with people who expanded the circle of people who knew.

Part of it, is privacy. I avoid telling people where I live other than generalities unless they need to know. And they ask.

The larger part is wanting to avoid jinxing it. I really did not want to tell people I was going through the process only to be denied. Or something else to happen that made it not happen. I would attribute the failure to having bragged about it before it was real.

I was in a similar mindset about my current job and the prior job to move here. Our positions have a six month probation period where we can fire new hires for any reason, so I felt for almost a year that either I would not get the job or the offer would be rescinded or they would fire me.

 

Different Tastes

This friend wants me to watch Person of Interest. I watched a few episodes and disliked it when it started. He loves it. He wants me to give it another chance and suggests that I do every few months.

We have opposite tastes. Everything he loves I hate. Everything I love he hates. I use his rants about how terrible something is to go watch it immediately because reliably I will love it.

Having different tastes in things is okay. I can like Android while you prefer iOS. I can like fruit while you like chocolate. I can enjoy an action flick while you prefer romantic comedies. These differences mean nothing.

9 Years

Wow, according to wordpress.com, I have had this site for 9 years.

  • 142 posts
    • 38 from 2016
    • 26 from 2015
    • 5 from 2014
    • 15 from 2013

So 45% of my posts have come from the past year and 1/3rd. They are mostly about dating which is funny because I do not that much, but I guess it has been on my brain the past few months more than normal.

And I would not post about this stuff on Facebook or Tumblr, so this obscure blog out of the way. Sure. Why not?

Privacy

Oncologist Theodora Ross was on NPR’s Fresh Air to talk about cancer, genetics, and how it directly affected her. Her husband sent an email to his coworkers:

You may have noticed I’ve been unusually busy and stressed lately. And I thought it important to share with you some personal information… The medical issues are complex and distressing. As a result, Theo and I are quite preoccupied as we work to resolve them. I am sure you can understand this is personal. And know that you will respect our privacy by keeping this information confidential.

I realize you may be concerned. But please do not ask for updates or additional information from me or Theo as we are trying to figure this stuff out ourselves.

As a teen, when I was in a cast, people at school had to ask about how I was coping and how it happened. Constantly. Everyone had to know. I hate being the center of attention, so dealing with people was harder than dealing with the actual injury.

Subsequent medical things have not had obvious physical manifestations, so I have been able to keep mostly quiet about them. The gossip machine still spreads the word about them making me uncomfortable. Obviously I need to be better about asking people to respect my privacy.

Attachment

Sometimes I think if I just didn’t pour my heart out to you I wouldn’t be so attached and I wouldn’t be in the pain I am in now that you caused.
ex-istential-crisis

I don’t easily make Trust friends. I spend a long time interviewing them by dribbling things here and there to see how it feels with them. The way I engage in conversations probably feels like I am revealing more than I actually am. There are outer layers of things I am willing to reveal to almost anyone. If they handle those well, then I offer things layer by layer (sometimes skipping one here and there).

If they manage to get into the sympathy group, then I am happy with them. The Must friend is a tough nut to crack. I tend not to ask people for help. At times when they show signs of allowing into their inner circle, I dabble at reaching out to Trust friends to see if they are someone I would elevate to my own, but in generally I am more willing to overwhelm myself with burdens.

But, yeah, the hardest part of allowing someone into the Must or even Trust group is when it suddenly fails. Growing apart is fine. Like a frog in a slowly boiling pot, I fail to notice. When I do something (it is never them, always me) that destroys the trust, I run away to hide from everyone in order to sulk, lament, and self-flagellate.

Also, I am terrible at reading people. I have no idea what I am getting into, so I am careful about keeping people at a distance I can handle. If I think someone likes me, then I am probably wrong. If I think they dislike me, then they probably like me OK. I have no confidence in my ability to read people.

Plus, I am a terrible friend. I really do not want to go to parties, out drinking, or do anything other than hang out at home. For me even to go shows how much I respect you. Though, I would easily and gladly go for a walk and talk about whatever.

 

Some pieces

Den

Given the wood paneling, a white/cream couch is probably the best option for the room. Funny enough, that is what the original owners had in there. The blue recliner I still have should go in here too. Also the entertainment center will live here.

Maybe something like:

Left  –  Right

 

Sun Room

The brown couch and loveseat (above right photo) I still have will go in this corner. Maybe the office desk too behind the photographer from the above left photo.

Think of getting curtains for the doors into the sun room.

Dining Annex

Thinking of painting the shelves white.

The Great Wave Off Kanagawa painting will go in this room above the shelves. Along with a koi and other painting.

Dining Room

Need a table for this room.

2016-02-18 15.19.40

Some ideas…

 

Imposter Syndrome

First described by psychologists Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD, in the 1970s, impostor phenomenon occurs among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success. They often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others will eventually unmask them as a fraud.

That is from “Feel like a fraud?

This is one of those phenomenon who when I first learned about it gave me chills for how applicable it was to my life. Being half black and half white, I never really felt or feel like either. As an “other,” I felt like I lacked an identity until I figured out I should make my own. And it is mine to make. In the couple months before starting college (and the entire first year) I wandered aimlessly struggling to figure out how could such smart people be fooled into accepting such an stupid person? Every time I received a promotion, award, or certification, the humiliation running through my head felt terror that any second someone would figure out there was a mistake. Being described as “the smartest person” someone knows floods my mind with more intelligent people than myself and try to figure out why this someone does not know them.

Steve Harvey recently announced the wrong winner for a televised beauty pageant. I often feel like the wrong winner and know the correction is going to be soon discovered.

For the past month this difficult thing has weighed on my shoulders. All of it was in my head from impostor syndrome making me worried about it all crashing down around me because it felt too good to be true. Every step felt too easy. Too lucky. Too facile. It should not be this easy. So when waiting on the next step, I feared THAT would be the one to bring it all down. When something did go wrong, I feared to lose it all, when it was just a little bump. Instead of being pleased how well it was going, I was cowering in fear over this success. I was over-stressed because everything was fine.

Now that it is done, I feel relieved. I no longer have to fear revealing it to friends or family.

Introvert -> Depression

I operate mostly in my own head. My favorite activities (reading, driving, walks in the woods, surfing the Internet, writing) give me the solitude and time to mull over things. The issue here seems to be when something happens, I need to stop thinking, so I need some type of activity I enjoy that snuffs out the neural activity dwelling on the problem.

  • As an introvert, doing something with a bunch of people is going to make me retreat into my home and think. Only now I also feel bad for not being normal.
  • One week ago, I know I’d hang out with a specific person only now that’s off the table.

In the past, video games were a great way to stop thinking. But, I then I tend to get lost in them. (Read: addicted) My grades plummeted the first time I asked out a girl and was rejected. And the second time. Both times, I retreated into playing video games as much as I could which left no time for homework or other stuff. Eventually I had to choose between relieving stress via video games or getting enough sleep that I was not an asshole at risk of losing my job. Well, I had to make that choice several times.

Another problem is pulling away from everyone. I know that’s a bad response. Especially because it likely will cause a feedback loop that will be harder to break in the long-run.

The other issue really is reaching out to others. The two helping me are basically advising to “stop thinking about it” and “let it go.” Which, I wholly agree, I should. Just nothing has really worked to this point.

Dunbar on Friends

Even Facebook can’t help you have more than 150 real friends

  1. We have about 5 people in our support group of closest friends. (aka Must Friends: a best friend, a member of your inner circle, a person you count on when something big happens in your life)
  2. We have about 15 more people in the sympathy group with whom we confide. (aka Trust friend: a friend who shows integrity, someone you feel comfortable with, that you’re always glad to see, but not in your inmost circle; perhaps someone you’d like to be closer to, if you had the time or opportunity)
  3. 50 more are are close friends (aka Rust friend: a person you’ve known for a long, long time; you’re probably not going to get any closer to that person, unless something changes, but a part of your life)
  4. 150 more a casual friends (aka Just friends: a person you see — at a weekly poker game, at your child’s school — who is enjoyable company, but you have no desire to socialize outside a specific context or to get to know that person better)
  5. 500 more are acquaintances.

Total: 720
And… we can identify about 1500 faces.

Me? I sometimes have about one person in the support group. My sympathy group is probably about right with 15-16 people. My close friends and casual friends are smaller than they ought to be with lots and lots of acquaintances.

Also, certainly people move up into a better category as we get closer. And others fall down into a lower one as we lose touch.

2016-MAR-08: Updated with the Buddy System labels