I have lived alone for a decade. And just a roommate for another decade prior. OK, most of that was with my father, but after the first few years, he stopped trying to control me as a child because… well, I was too independent.
This woman I have been seeing has needs. I enjoy the cuddling and kissing. It may not be an every day need for me like it is her.
The scariest thing about all this is the disruption to routines, shifting priorities, and juggling my deadlines.
For me, it is easy to find a reason to end it. My Imposter Syndrome notes all my flaws showing why I am not deserving. I try to keep it in check by ignoring it. The thoughts run through my head, but I try not to base my actions around them.
The other day Fiona* says she has a “secret” to tell me. There is this long pause. Like several minutes long. Which means my brain is going through *ALL* the scenarios. She is breaking up with me. She is really a guy. She is knocked up. She is moving far away. It ended up being sweet and cute.
I did end up offering something back to her.
*Not her real name
Wow, according to wordpress.com, I have had this site for 9 years.
- 142 posts
- 38 from 2016
- 26 from 2015
- 5 from 2014
- 15 from 2013
So 45% of my posts have come from the past year and 1/3rd. They are mostly about dating which is funny because I do not that much, but I guess it has been on my brain the past few months more than normal.
And I would not post about this stuff on Facebook or Tumblr, so this obscure blog out of the way. Sure. Why not?
Single Redditors, why do you think you are single? Some of my favorites…
I don’t know what I want from a significant other. The idea of being in a relationship sounds great but I can never find someone who makes that idea seem worthwhile. link
It’s like falling in love with a fancy sports car. It’s beautiful, it’s fast, it’s sexy, it’s loud. All the things you want. But it’s more than just what you want. It’s also expensive, bad for the environment, you worry too much about making sure it doesn’t get damaged. Yeah going with a pretty decent mid range car might be settling, but getting that perfect sports car with all of those aforementioned problems is also settling, in a way. There is never going to be a perfect car, but there will be one that is right for you. And her problems won’t feel like a burden, but just part of the joys of car ownership. Like rotating tires and getting a new paint job when she hits middle age because shes got a bit of hail damage. link
This is why we need to spend more research money on sex robots. Programmable humans. Replicants – the pleasure models. Let’s make it happen before 2030 link
People I’m attracted to terrify me. link
I have put literally 0 effort into not being single link
In Dunbar on Friends I wrote about the different kinds of friends. In the Savanna Theory of Happiness, people living in sparse density areas and with higher frequency interactions with close friends are happier. Satoshi Kanazawa and Norman Li leverage Dunbar to basically explain we are happier when in smaller communities because our evolution has not yet caught up to our societies. Only… More intelligent people have the capacity to thrive in more dense areas without as much time with their friends.
I find this curious because it would suggest more intelligent people are extroverted. Pro-introvert researchers claim people who avoid social interactions are the more intelligent ones.
I tend to go with the safe picks in dating. My imposter syndrome dictates that I feel undeserving of good things. That generous, beautiful, intelligent woman falls completely out of my league. There is no way she would be interested in a geek, freak, and all around reject like myself. Her laughter at my jokes sounds hollow with platitude.
Friends express disappointment in my picks. They picture me with the generous, beautiful, intelligent woman. Instead I barely muster the courage to handle the nice, homely, average woman.
It will never work because how can one build a relationship on a facade?
Oncologist Theodora Ross was on NPR’s Fresh Air to talk about cancer, genetics, and how it directly affected her. Her husband sent an email to his coworkers:
You may have noticed I’ve been unusually busy and stressed lately. And I thought it important to share with you some personal information… The medical issues are complex and distressing. As a result, Theo and I are quite preoccupied as we work to resolve them. I am sure you can understand this is personal. And know that you will respect our privacy by keeping this information confidential.
I realize you may be concerned. But please do not ask for updates or additional information from me or Theo as we are trying to figure this stuff out ourselves.
As a teen, when I was in a cast, people at school had to ask about how I was coping and how it happened. Constantly. Everyone had to know. I hate being the center of attention, so dealing with people was harder than dealing with the actual injury.
Subsequent medical things have not had obvious physical manifestations, so I have been able to keep mostly quiet about them. The gossip machine still spreads the word about them making me uncomfortable. Obviously I need to be better about asking people to respect my privacy.
Why You Date Who You Date: Evolutionary Psychology Explains:
Evolutionary psychology is the branch of psychology concerned with explaining human functions and behaviors in terms of how they increase chances of survival and reproduction. So to the evolutionary psychologist, men are attracted to women of beauty and perfect vital statistics because such characteristics are in fact “cues” — cues that this particular type of woman has a high reproductive capacity as a female. In other words, the woman is highly fertile: smooth skin, shiny hair, full lips and bright eyes indicate youthfulness, and a female of younger age has the potential of producing more children than does a female of older age. The hourglass figure is also more than just a pleasing view of good symmetry and proportion: wide hips indicate the pelvic shape most ideal for childbirth, while ample breasts cue better capacity to nourish offspring once they are born… As mentioned above, evolutionary psychology asserts that as a human being, the true forces that move you to act the way you do are your need to reproduce, have your genes passed on to the next generation, and ultimately ensure the survival of the species. So if you’re a man, evolutionary psychology explains that you select a particular date or potential mate not because you simply find her “pretty” or “sexy”, but because her prettiness and sexiness are indications that she is likely to give you more children—offering you the best chances of having your genes passed on to the next generation and of granting your particular lineage an increased likelihood of continuing to thrive.
I think this ignores the evolutionary perspective that “culture” is the survival strategy of humans. To achieve all that we have, we have developed powerful methods of efficiently teaching vast amounts of information and helping offspring to learn how to find information. Our genes are important. Our memes are perhaps more important. (Not the meme of the Internet but the Richard Dawkins meaning of smallest unit of cultural information.) How we ensure the next generation has access to information such that they achieve even more than their ancestors determines the success of our genes.
Beauty is nice, but keeping in mind the survival strategy, men probably also want a woman capable of raising quality children as well. Someone attentive, intelligent, and nurturing will help offspring achieve their potential.
Of course, a woman much smarter than her male mate probably will find a way to cuckold him. So the ideal mate is both as beautiful as he can manage and about as intelligent.
Found this amazing description of me from an otherwise lame article in my alma mater’s school paper:
The Awkward Guy
This dude is always the out of place friend in a group of spring breakers and is usually found in his hotel watching television. He has little to no social life and usually taken advantaged of because he is super nice. Due to the awkward guy being a push over, he is usually found surrounded by arrogant guys who boss him around. He doesn’t drink or smoke and most likely has no game with the girls. The awkward guy usually never goes out to party during the school semester.
I never went to the typical Spring Break things. Supercrowded beach locations never seemed like my idea of fun. At the time, MTV had extensive coverage of the relatively close beach where the college kids thronged. Seeing those crowds in high school and college, I knew better than to allow anyone to drag me there. Overpriced hotels + alcohol + being awkward = waste.
During the school semester, I would tag along to a party and designated drive. I was more likely to go if I had run across some girl I liked there. Often enough, I would run across her again to make it worth it. But, yeah, I had no game.
She launched a thousand ships. She is the archetype of the woman who a man scapegoats in his revision of history to account for the idiocy of men.
I have had a few Helens. When attracted to a woman, I become more intelligent and helpful. They have me wrapped around their pinkie and get me to do things I normally avoid. Like, I do not know how to dance, so getting me to go to prom was insanely crazy. One of the firsts asked me to go with her and she is the only reason why I did with only a week to prepare. Another got me involved in trying to be an organizer as her “lieutenant.” Thankfully, most of these girls never knew the extent to which they manipulated me.
But these Helens mostly all impacted me between 15 and 25. So, I made the mistake of thinking I was past all that.
The latest, let’s call her Briseis, had me wrapped around her pinkie without me realizing what was even happening. I am an idiot. I don’t date. Instead I collect beautiful women who would make fantastic partners, never venture into dating, never discuss it, and then when she fades from my life let the feelings fade with it. This is not the idiot part as I intentionally use this to keep from getting hurt. The idiot part was I somehow opened up to her way more than I should, I think because she was a Helen. Not just once, but over and over with how I felt about her specifically not very specific. She sussed out what was going on. The wound hurt. She felt it better to know than wonder. I… don’t. I thought at the time I was just allowing her to become a great friend, but really I veered off the path into the Black Forest.
This post was inspired because her namesake is another character from the Iliad. I was going to write a post about her with her named Helen when I realized that I have many.