Found this story interesting. I was a very disagreeable teen and still am as an adult.

Disagreeable teens tend to grow up into disagreeable adults. A 10-year study finds that disagreeable teens often have no awareness that their behavior is harming their relationships.

In my early 20s, I did hold the view that everyone else was the problem. By 25, I mostly lost that view. I am still disagreeable, but I know that it is all me and in my head.

And I have poor relationships still because I do not really wish to inflict it too much on others. It is exhausting being nice. Between being nice enough to not get fired from my job and navigate society, there is not enough willpower capacity left over to attract and maintain a close relationship.


Book Review: Single & Happy: The Party of Ones

Single & Happy: The Party of OnesSingle & Happy: The Party of Ones by J. Victoria Sanders

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Back in late 2011, I ran across the Single & Happy blog. WordPress.com had drawn me in, but I started looking at various tags including dating. Lots were people talking about current dates and especially the horror that is online dating web sites. Single & Happy was a better, maturer different.

My only other experiences with blog writers who publish a book is to collect the best blog posts, give them to an editor, maybe expand a bit upon them, and publish the collection. Instead we get an actual book influenced by prior work and so something new and exciting.

While not a single black woman, I am single and almost black. I strongly sympathize with the plight of attempting online dating. The dating stories seem eerily familiar. And the advice Victoria gives on being a friend to yourself is good advice. It happens I a friend posted on Facebook on why she hates the question, “Why are you single?” so I referenced a quote from this book.

Somehow after decades of being single, I think I am happy. Well, happy-ish. There is room for improvement. It is good to know there are others out there working on the same issues willing to talk about the challenges.

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Male Spinster aka Bachelor

A former coworker sent me Why are couples so mean to single people? with the comment, “This made me think of you.” It arrived to a personal account and I did not see it until hours later when he was offline. Much of it really is about me.

  • My singleness bothers others.
  • They offer what worked for them in hopes it will get solved.
  • I have a theory du jour where I explain why.

What is crazy is the day after getting it, I met current coworkers and a few of their spouses, and almost exactly out of the article this happened:

Take dinner parties. There comes a moment, and that question: “Why don’t you have a partner?”

It is usually asked by one of a couple, with always a swivel of the eye to his or her other half, so really two people are asking this question.

Over the summer my response was to explain The Demise of Guys. It met with a lot of skepticism, especially from women. So my current explanation is I am a male spinster:

A male spinster is an unmarried man over the age of 35, a moniker that implies at best these men have ‘issues’ and at worst are sociopaths. One fears for these men, just as society has traditionally feared for the single women. They cannot see how lonely they will be.

I am perfectly aware of how rarely lonely will creep up. My response seems to have made this couple change the subject really fast. I will need several more data points, but it is off to a useful retort. At least until people figure out a male spinster is just a bachelor.

Some may think if I spent more time trying not to be single instead of confusing people who want me not to be single, then I would be coupled. Maybe. But I take trying to couple me as a challenge.