Redditors on being single

Single Redditors, why do you think you are single? Some of my favorites…

I don’t know what I want from a significant other. The idea of being in a relationship sounds great but I can never find someone who makes that idea seem worthwhile. link

It’s like falling in love with a fancy sports car. It’s beautiful, it’s fast, it’s sexy, it’s loud. All the things you want. But it’s more than just what you want. It’s also expensive, bad for the environment, you worry too much about making sure it doesn’t get damaged. Yeah going with a pretty decent mid range car might be settling, but getting that perfect sports car with all of those aforementioned problems is also settling, in a way. There is never going to be a perfect car, but there will be one that is right for you. And her problems won’t feel like a burden, but just part of the joys of car ownership. Like rotating tires and getting a new paint job when she hits middle age because shes got a bit of hail damage. link

This is why we need to spend more research money on sex robots. Programmable humans. Replicants – the pleasure models. Let’s make it happen before 2030 link

People I’m attracted to terrify me. link

I have put literally 0 effort into not being single link

 

 

Safety in Dating

I tend to go with the safe picks in dating. My imposter syndrome dictates that I feel undeserving of good things. That generous, beautiful, intelligent woman falls completely out of my league. There is no way she would be interested in a geek, freak, and all around reject like myself. Her laughter at my jokes sounds hollow with platitude.

Friends express disappointment in my picks. They picture me with the generous, beautiful, intelligent woman. Instead I barely muster the courage to handle the nice, homely, average woman.

It will never work because how can one build a relationship on a facade?

Racing

Apparently my heartbeat is too fast? Every woman I have ever kissed has commented on it. That’s only 7, so that sample is pretty small. Plus it tends to be years in between. So I guess there is some excitement at the prospect.

I’m only reminded because of a comment the other night from my date. In overthinking the whole thing, I landed on her remark.

Schrödinger’s Relationship

Let’s start with Schrödinger’s cat.

Schrödinger’s cat is a thought experiment, sometimes described as a paradox, devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935. It illustrates what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics applied to everyday objects. The scenario presents a cat that may be simultaneously both alive and dead [until being observed by the external universe collapses the system into one or the other], a state known as a quantum superposition, as a result of being linked to a random subatomic event that may or may not occur. The thought experiment is also often featured in theoretical discussions of the interpretations of quantum mechanics.

It might be fair to say I am in love with uncertainty. Maybe that is why I turn to books about physics or cosmology when work has me extremely stressed? I thought that it was because I would overwhelm my brain with something else. But maybe it is because I so very love the principle of things existing in superpositions until we force them into a position.

Until one asks out the girl, it is in a superposition state. The yes/no simultaneously exists until I ask. That trite “at least you asked” when she says no never comforts me. I am hurt because I was rejected. Here’s the thing… When she says yes, I get really terrified. So the only time I am happy is in the state of uncertainty where I do not know. All the possibilities are on the table. I can dream about where it could go without being committed to a state I cannot handle.

I’m thinking of adding this to my answers to “Why are you single?

Homie, lover or friend: Which do you want your partner to be?

Kind of think the post is stupid. We want a partner to be ALL OF THESE. But the hypothetical is: “If you had to choose, which of these would you most want your partner to be?”

For me, the order of importance is:

  1. Friend. Specifically, the Must Friend (support group) from the Dunbar on Friends post. Principal advisor, shared social activities, and communication are the main thing I seek.
  2. Lover. Initially I put this last, but I guess maybe it is slightly more important than Homie. I’ve gone years between women and have no expectation with the ones I date. There is more utilitarian value to this one than the Homie, so it gets a slight edge.
  3. Homie. Keeps me accountable, accompanies me on activities, clicks with my other homies. I laughed at this one because I other than keeping me accountable, this one is useless to me. My “activities” are things I can do alone like reading, watching a movie, watching sports, eating out. Sure, they are better with others (even reading: book clubs), but I do not go out of my way to bring others into the activity. And I outside of weekly hanging out with a brunch group, I do not have much social activity AND times when I do, I start shedding activities because I am stressed to the point of becoming an asshole by it all.

Which begs the question… Do I really need a wife or girlfriend when I’m not really interested in two of the three?

Dating For Black & Mixed Race Singles

We all have different needs in a relationship. For some, sharing common interests is a must; others need their partner to always have their back; and for some, being sexually compatible is imperative.

Needs

R&B star R. Kelly famously sung of having a lady who fulfilled all his needs in his hit song Homie Lover Friend. But what if you couldn’t have all three?

Check out our definitions below then tell us: If you had to choose, which of these would you most want your partner to be – your homie, your lover or your friend?

HLF

 

A HOMIE

1. They’ll keep it real 

Keep it real 

A homie will have your back no matter what, but won’t shy away from telling you – in no uncertain terms and sometimes with a lack of sensitivity – if they think you’re making a bad decision. Their delivery can be a bit harsh…

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Top 10 cities for singles

Where I live made livability.com’s list for top 10 city for singles. A friend posted on Facebook asking if her single friends agree.

In the near decade I have live here, a relationship has never worked out for me. Heck, I’ve never managed to get more than two dates with any women while living here. In the eight years I lived in Livability’s demographic in the prior place, I sort of had a girlfriend and manage to date one woman for five dates.

I was the first person to respond to the post, that comparing the two cities I know, that yes this one is better by the metrics they used.

  • number of singles age 20-34
  • places to go (museums, bars, restaurants, movies, parks)
  • diversity

One of the other respondents gave a definite “NO.”

So, I thought about my answer. There are probably two problems with Livability’s metrics used to rank the cities.

  1. There is a bias amongst daters that with a large selection of available people to date, that one should not spend too much time on something that is not producing instant results. A city with too many single people could give the impression that would should keep “playing the field” in hopes of finding something better than focussing on how to make what one has found work.
  2. The presence of a large university means lots of single people in the 20-25 demographic are students. The university also skews female. Older women probably see the same city differently than older men.

Good Friend

Several of the women I count as friends are single. Occasionally something happens where they complain about the challenges of having this status. When this happens, I usually feel guilt for having never attempted to date her.

It is some kind of weird hubris that in the moment, I feel that I could be the solution to her problem.

My normal doubt in my ability to be a good partner eventually overwhelms that hubris. In the end, I convince myself that I am actually performing her an enormous favor by not inflicting myself on her. I am such a good friend.

Lap Dances

Ran across an old LiveJournal post I wrote back in 2006. It describes being downtown and running across a bachelorette party. They were intoxicated and seeking debauchery, at least I think that is what asking me for a lap dance meant. I think I was tired and seeking to go to bed. Well, that is the excuse I used for why I completely ruined their attempt at humor.

The reality is I am OK inside a conversation where I have practiced in advance. Natural conversations who go into completely unexpected territory leave me bewildered and lost. It was their bad luck to run across me. The one guy who could not help them. I don’t mean with their lap dance. I meant with contributing to the fun.

Secrets to a Successful Marriage

Every clickbait web site and before them check out aisle magazine has a “Secrets” article. They are always for something difficult to attain or keep like a flat stomach. If it were easy, then there would be no point or value in an article about it. And sure there is no harm in finding a new secret, right?

When I read secrets for a healthy or good or long marriage articles, the impression I get is maybe it is for the best I am not in one as I could never live up to these standards.

  1. Communication is a popular item. Expressing my feelings to a person? Excruciatingly painful. I’d rather be stuck with a needle and hate them.
  2. Choose someone similar to me. What the fuck does this even mean? My core values today have shifted from what they were ten or even five years ago. And the big one, religion is especially bad because until I dropped participating, there were no local women who met that criteria.
  3. Touch each other. Aka make sweet, sweet oxytocin. I enjoy touching, but I am scared of initiating.
  4. Ignoring or letting go of what she does is easy. My problem is terror about every mistake I make piling up to the point I want to run because I cannot stand myself anymore.

Really, I think what annoys me is they all follow the formula that people who have had a long marriage means it has been healthy. That is just a plain anecdotal fallacy. Sure, these are intelligent people, but the fact they boil it down to one or a few things they think are the secret means they have no real idea and are just putting some random guess out there. For every secret, I am fairly confident there are people who do these things who marriage still fails.

Plus, even when the author deigns to use a poll, self-reported data is. THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. data one could use. People respond how they think is expected not how they truly behave in part. This is in part because memory glorifies the good and minimizes the bad. But also, because interviewers are people judging the responses which changes the results.